If you’re about to say I do then here’s a view from inside, the tender (!?!) moments couples share with the world about what life is really like once the confetti has blown away and the ‘…and they lived happily ever after…’ becomes more of a “…and she managed to make it through another day without burying him under the patio…”
Some of these tweets might seem cruel, some might seem unlikely and some might make you want you to add a few clauses into a pre-nup but one thing they all have in common is that they’re utterly hilarious!
It’s the little things in a marriage that really count, no, not the little love notes or surprise bouquet of flowers, but the evening you get sole ownership of the remote control or knowing he still hasn’t found your secret stash of Magnum’s in the freezer.
Someone drew doughnuts on the bottom of the grocery list
My wife thought it was cute so she bought them
She doesn’t need to know it was me pic.twitter.com/qmdoCc9sDO
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2016
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) June 3, 2015
95% of marriage is spent changing the temperature of the thermostat
— Mattzilla (@mattZillaaaa) November 27, 2016
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) August 21, 2015
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2015
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 10, 2014
My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 20, 2016
My wife compromised
I can start a fund for the zombie apocalypse
But if there are no zombies, I have to use it to send the kids to college
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2017
Keeping that special spark of romance is vitally important in keeping the joy in your marriage. Although keeping a sense of humour is possibly more important if you’re both going to make it through in one piece.
Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as “motive”.
— JustLinda (@LindaInDisguise) May 11, 2013
My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him “A LOT more toilet paper,” so yeah, the romance ain’t dead people.
— Mumsie (@MUMSIEesq)
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it’s in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t wanna share.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
Wife: why are you breathing like that?
Ahh marriage. When you can be questioned for continuing to live.
— Jeff (@usermcuserface)
My husband is home sick from work today and it’s like having one thousand babies.
— Sarah del Rio (@est1975blog) December 15, 2014
Knowing Who’s Boss
If someone were ever to write a training manual for husbands (and someone really should!) then chapter one should be entitled “Knowing Who’s Boss”. Once that has been established marriage just becomes so much easier. Oh and just for the record (and any men reading this), it’s not the husband.
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
My husband’s newly prescription eyeglasses don’t work. He still can’t see things my way. #MarriedPeopleIssues
— BlackConserv4Truth (@BlackCons4Truth) January 27, 2016
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It’s $100 on me and $500 on her.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) November 25, 2015
Without true love, marriage is just two people sharing a house staring at the same telly. And while this next set of tweets might not perfectly sum up what love is, they certainly strike an all too familiar chord for many spouses.
Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking “What do you want for dinner?”
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75)
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
— Inappropriate Charm (@LackOfShame) October 29, 2015
Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015
90% of being married is just shouting “what” from other rooms
— k e e t ?? (@KeetPotato) November 4, 2016
All I want is for you to love me and let me put my cold feet on you. #nosocks #marriedpeopleissues
— Erica Boland (@OtherBolandGirl) March 29, 2016
Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don’t have to take it out.
— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016
I just googled, “how to get away with killing my husband” on @IMKristenBell phone. Just in case. Now there’s a record.
— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) May 11, 2015
Division of Labour
When it comes to sharing the jobs during your married life, to borrow a phrase, ‘It ain’t what you do it’s the way that you do it’. In the husband’s case it would appear the way he normally does things can be placed in a category marked as “Wrong”.
We’re assembling a crib from Ikea… Which option on their toll free number gets you a marriage counselor?
— Mommy Honesty (@momesty) March 11, 2015
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 16, 2016
When one door closes, another opens. Then another five doors plus two drawers open, and stay that way.
— My husband emptying the dishwasher
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) November 21, 2016
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 28, 2016
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 8, 2015
99% of marriage is waiting in the car for your spouse.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) January 30, 2016
There are two legal phrases that most people can quote fairly accurately;
• “…to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…”
• “… swear to tell the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth…”
Thankfully for most married couples those two quotes aren’t taken from the same occasion.
wife [sees me on the computer] What are you looking at?
me [taking a Buzzfeed quiz to find out what holiday candle scent I am] Porn
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 7, 2016
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
— kauaibride (@Kauaibride) November 9, 2015
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016