Every wedding has its share of weirdos and crazies, of course it’s only to be expected considering they’re family affairs and every family contains its fair share of eccentric folk we all think of fondly but try our best to avoid. Weddings brings all those more ‘colourful’ characters into one place, then fuels them with calorific food, free flowing booze and terrible 70’s and 80’s floor-fillers (“Oh I love this one!!”) and then lights the fuse.
So grab a plate of sausage rolls, some slightly warm prosecco, stick on an Abba megamix and stand well back as we look at the weirdest people you find at every wedding.
The Dancing Dad
He might not be yours, he might not be the brides, but he’s somebody’s dad and that means when it comes time to dance, he’s going to do it badly! Why is it that as soon as men have kids they completely lose all rhythm?
The Evil Twin
Ok, the kid isn’t actually a twin but it’s just so malevolent it’s impossible to believe it’s only one child! He’s stamped on your foot, spilt Ribena on your dress, poured jelly in your handbag and that was before the wedding even started!
The Long Lost Aunt
She’ll insist on telling your plus one stories of when you were running around her garden wearing nothing but a cornflakes box on your head. If you were three then shame on her. If it was last week then shame on you.
The Creepy Non-Uncle
Used to give you 50p when you were little and back then seemed like the richest man in the world.
Now that you’re of voting age it just feels a little bit wrong. He means well but should stop offering young women money.
Grannies are just the greatest people on the planet! It’s always the sweetest and most innocent looking of grannies that usually have a hidden bottle of gin and wicked sense of humour. It should be made legal to adopt them.
The Beast of the Buffet
It’s been at least two hours since he had a packet of dry roasted nuts (actually during the wedding ceremony! WTF?).
As soon as the buffet is laid The Beast will trample small children under foot to be first in the queue.
The Drunken Uncle
Mild mannered, carpet salesman by day, drunken but hilarious uncle by night. While his wife is utterly embarrassed by everything he does, he’s a true family legend. Just as long as he doesn’t end up naked on the roof like at his daughter’s wedding.
The Tipsy Mum
She’s had one sip of Cinzano too many and the party animal has been unleashed.
It’s time to crank up some Steps and do a bit of boot scootin’ boogie. “Wanna make you mine, better get in line, 5-6-7-8…”
Inevitably someone cries, it could be because it was all so perfect, it could be because they’re sad to see little Janet/John all grown up, it could be because the bar has run out of vodka in which case it’s probably you.
A frustrated scout leader or perhaps an actual scout leader, whether it’s a group photo, ‘whacky’ game or ‘goofy’ prank, this grey slacked fun-fascist insists that everything needs organising.
“Step back Gramps!”
The Worst Man
As if rapping his wedding speech wasn’t bad enough, he’s since hit on every single women present. But now the music is on, the shirt has come off and it really isn’t pretty. And this is the “Best” man?
The Buffet Toucher
Not a kind of sexual deviant, but far worse… The Buffet Toucher doesn’t use the tongs! Eeeugh! Everything is mauled with their fat fingers (except the salad) and much of it put back. Just gross, in fact pinching your bum would be a lesser crime!
The Cousin No One Mentions
Pointedly no one is mentioning X and their trouble with the X. You’re dying to know what happened but it looks like no one is talking.
Oh well, they’ll probably be at the next wedding with a massive X on their X.
Have you got a classic wedding guest we might have missed? Tell us your funniest wedding guest types or stories below. We’ll send a “Queen of Shaves” shaving kit (razor, blade and pina colada shave gel) to our favourite story or suggestion.