All Things Wedding

Maid of Honour – 7 things you don’t want to hear from the bridesmaids

September 17, 2013

Being awarded the role of Maid of Honour by a treasured best friend or beloved sister is both a huge honour and a huge amount of work. In the weeks leading up to the big day, things can get extremely stressful for everybody involved, but not all guests have a band of unruly bridesmaids to keep in check… nope, just you! Here’s 7 unfathomably dumb things that you might well hear from your girls weeks, days or even hours before the wedding – and what you’ll wish you could say back!

1. “Check out my new haircut! Here, have a feel – you can touch the outline of my skull at the back. I look like Miley, right!?”

Oh. My. God. The crazy one has gone and shaved half her head and dyed what’s left pink a week before the wedding. And she has to stand at the front of the church. In a burgundy shift dress. Just breathe…

What you’ll actually say:

“Wow – reminds me of a fluorescent marker pen I used to have. I love it, but I think Julie might prefer something a bit more conservative for the wedding. Why don’t you whack in some extensions or something? Shall we go out and buy some? Right now?”

What you’ll want to say: This

2. “I hate the bridesmaid dresses that Julie picked out… I’m not wearing it, I’m just not!” *flounce, tears, etc*

Yeah, this one’s almost to be expected. Not everybody is the same shape, size or skin tone, yet suddenly you’re all expected to don the exact same dress of your bride’s choosing. Cue explosive tears. All you can do at this point is rally your best tissues, safety pins and control pants. Good luck, comrade.

What you’ll actually say:

“Okay, so these are the ones Julie wants. We’ll just have to work around it – pink really can work with red hair, honestly. You look lovely, really! Wine?

What you’ll want to say:

“I hate mine too! She’s clearly conspiring to make herself look even hotter. It makes my bum looks enormous and it’s really itchy too. And red hair NEVER looks good with pink, let’s be real here. Shall we burn them and just show up in jeans? No. Do you know why? Because we HAVE NO CHOICE! Now zip up and get on with it.”

3. “I should be maid of honour really. I’ve known her longer”

So she has known the bride longer – but she also stole her boyfriend in year 10, spilled orange Fanta on her beautiful prom dress and always creepily flirts a little bit with her dad. You’ve always been there for her, so you get the title. Simple.

What you’ll actually say:

“Hm, maybe it was just more convenient as we live close by?”

What you’ll want to say:

“HA! In your face. I’m her best friend, I’m her best friend!” and then do a little dance. Come on, admit it. That’s what you want to do.

wedding bridemaids

 

4. “I was thinking that we should get a really fit stripper for the hen, make a massive willy cake and wear loads of pink furry stuff and L plates – ooh and drink our own bodyweight in shots whooooo!”

You know your best friend well and you know that she hates that kind of stuff – afternoon tea with champagne and a trip to a health spa is far more her style. In fact, your friend knows this too, she just wants a good excuse to get really drunk on a Thursday night and leave the kids with her husband…

What you’ll actually say:

“Sounds like loads of fun! But I don’t think it’s Julie’s kind of thing. Maybe we could all have a night out together sometime?”

What you’ll want to say:

“Go drink rosé at home when your highly annoying triplets are asleep if you must and stop trying to hijack our lovely friend’s special night!”

5. “So, about that £200 for then hen do…”

You’re organising the hen weekend and everyone else has been prompt with payment. Except for Miss ‘always broke’. Every time. She blows her wages in three days on fake nails, hair extensions and a pair of designer shoes, leaving you to foot the bill. Annoying is not the word!

What you’ll actually say:

“Right, I should be able to bail you out until the end of the month…”

What you’ll want to say:

“Seriously – again! Luckily I have money saved, as I’m a responsible adult human. How do you manage to still have the electricity connected at home! Oh yes, your dad still pays for it, I remember.”

6. “Wait so let me get this straight – the wedding’s on Saturday, not Thursday?”

Don’t do this to me now! You all love her to pieces, but your friend who’s always late, always lost, always missing something vital is proving to be pretty trying right now. There’s nothing for it but to call her, text her, stick post-it notes on her forehead and send carrier pigeons in case she leaves her phone on the bus. Every. Single. Day.

What you’ll actually say:

“Yes, Saturday – like it has been for the past 6 months!”

What you’ll want to say: This – don’t try me.

7. “You looked a bit stressed out and I thought you might be getting behind, so I just knocked up a couple of mood boards, colour coded notes on Julie’s family history, compiled a scrapbook of the season’s newest wedding trends…”

Everybody has a friend like this. She’s absolutely gutted that she didn’t make maid of honour, so she’s making it up by treading on your overworked toes. As hard as she can. Her neurotic Monica Geller-style obsession with organisation and colour coding doesn’t exactly help much either.

What you’ll actually say:

“Oh wow, thank-you so much! I’m sure these will be really helpful. Gosh, it’s so heavy, you must have worked hard…”

What you’ll want to say:

“Seriously, back off love! I’m Maid of Honour, not you! Take your OCD organisation and organise your scatter cushions. I know that’s how you prefer to spend your Saturday nights anyway.”

Picture: Pinterest

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