It’s that time of year again when guys start to sweat uncontrollably under the pressure of creating the perfect Valentine’s Day experience for the ladies in their lives and girls build up their expectations to ridiculous heights, as well as attempting to cook meals which are seriously beyond their abilities. Whether you’re single and just enjoying the excuse to buy an entire box of Milk Tray for yourself, desperate for him to finally put a ring on it or simply want to get through the holiday without yet another trashy teddy bear, this holiday is an absolute minefield. Whether you look forward to V Day or not, there’s a whole host of ways that your man can slip up and you’re probably dreading every single one of them…
1. He doesn’t turn up
It doesn’t get much worse than this. He’s finally pulled his socks up and booked a table for the two of you in the fanciest restaurant in town, only to leave you hanging. Of course he makes it twenty minutes later, blaming traffic and an angry boss but every minute spent amongst other happy couples felt like an hour.
2. Your gift is tacky
Whether it’s a stuffed bear holding a pillow with a lame romantic platitude embroidered on it or a combined snuggie for the two of you to watch telly in together, nobody wants this rubbish cluttering up their home. But that shining look of expectation in his eyes means that you have to smile and pretend you love it. Sigh.
3. Your flowers smell of petrol
Classic schoolboy error here. It’s 9pm on V Day and your beau turns up on your doorstep bearing a pathetic expression and a bunch of soggy white carnations which reek undeniably of diesel. Somebody is not getting any tonight.
4. Sexy undies
Now don’t get us wrong, a gift of pretty underwear from your boyfriend can be a lovely treat when it’s to our taste, subtle and in the right size. Weird Valentine’s themed thongs, scratchy lace and raunchy stuff which looks more like dental floss than underclothing in a size 4 is more likely to be thrown back in his face than on the floor.
5. He doesn’t book a table
So you turn up at 9pm dressed to the nines in the local fancy French joint where he expected there to be a table free for you as though by telepathic message to the staff. And now you’re eating a Subway in heels and diamond earrings.
6. Forgetting about Valentine’s Day
Complain about it as much as you like, call it tacky and a made up holiday but let’s be honest now, you want that huge bouquet of roses as much as the next girl. It’s pretty difficult to forget about V Day, what with every shop on the high street being stuffed to the rafters with red roses and hearts so if he can’t even muster some chocolates or flowers, definitely don’t let his forgetful ass off the hook.
7. He wants you to cook
Sure, plenty of ladies and gents cook up something delicious for their other halves on Valentine’s every year but when you’re waiting at home in your finest dress and he chucks a couple of steaks at you before hitting the sofa, he can be sure that those bad boys are headed straight for the bin.
8. It’s a trap
Seeing that pale blue box is a big dream for many girls and so screwing around with Tiffany’s packaging is seriously uncalled for. He thinks it’s hilarious to put a Haribo ring inside a jewellery box. You do not.
9. He bought you make-up or a push up bra
This one’s pretty much a deal breaker. If your boyfriend has the audacity to buy you something which suggests he’d prefer you to change your appearance or make more of an effort, we’d say that’s time to call it a day. Extra minus points if you bought her padded bum enhancers or worse still, a pack of Slim Fast shakes.
10. He’s drunk
This is the lowest of the Valentine lows. Whether he turned up to the restaurant a little sozzled after a session with the boys or got a little overenthusiastic on the celebratory bubbly, slurred conversations and naps between courses seriously aren’t conducive to romance. It’s enough to make you reach for the bottle yourself…